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Sticking It Out

I live a life of learning lessons. I can't really ever 'get it' by wrote or
by benefiting from others' mistakes; I have to experience things. It's not
the worst fate in the world, nor do I think I'm alone in it, but there
certainly are times that I wish I could just not have to reinvent the wheel
every damned time.

For many years in my life I wondered why my parents didn't divorce. From the
immediate outside (how outside can an only son realy be with his parents?),
they seemed grim, occasionally spiteful, and most of all, not happy. They/we
went on vacations together both before & after "adulthood" for me, and even in
those happy times, there was always stress about one thing or another, there
were problems and bickering. One would complain to me about the other
(suprisingly even: 50/50, if you can believe it), they would snipe at each
other over petty shit, and honestly, things seemed a bit miserable much of the
time.

But they stuck together. I always blamed it on inertia rather than anything
else like love, but I never really asked. Perhaps I should have.

Then things changed.

In the last few years, both of my parents got diagnosed with Cancer. Its been
really rough on them. Fears mushroom-clouded, aprehensions exploded,
expectations grew, and things were actually Bad. I was able to be there for
some/lots of the important things, but it underscored what living a coast away
really means. They got on and off of drugs. The side effects were bad and
hard, and made them not themselves. They yelled at each other, and they said
unkind things. But they stuck together.

Only now, as the specter of Cancer is fading, do I start to Get It. This is
the whole "for better and for worse, in sickeness and in health." oh. that's
how it really works. They might have had problems in the past, but
that was nothing compared to this. They met it together, with flying colours.
It was hard, and they rocked it. I have so much faith in them.

In the last four years, I've gone through many of an up-and-down with elly,
and many times I've been unkind. I held her hand through some scary things,
and she mine, but I'm not sure I ever understood what it really meant to stand
by someone's side when they're In The Shit. I've experienced it, and I've
been there, I'm just not sure I ever Got It until now, seeing it in my
parents.

It is pretty damn sad to say the above sentiment. It almost constitutes saying
"I couldn't love elly enough when we were together;" but I don't think it is
so bad. I sure as fuck loved her above and beyond all of my capacity, and I
think that was a pretty damn good showing, all said. I feel honored to have
learned another lesson. I had to put my hand on the hot stove and burn it
again, but now I know one more thing in life.

January 25, 2008 07:42 PM