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Red Velvet Birthday

I learn a lot about myself when I travel. For years, elly has encouraged me to go off at it alone, but I've not quite made it (or many other things that I bear responsibility for) out on as many adventures as would be good for my mind & spirit. I learn all sorts of lessons already understood, but not internalized. I learn new things, I gain perspective, and most of all, I gain some huge sense of peace. I don't know why all of this is, to be honest. I know my mother travels a *lot*, and I've always wondered if she was escaping something, or what her motivations are. Maybe that's another thing I'm learning.

Some time ago, I realised that the act of presence is, perhaps, more important than any other action I could do (like getting coffee, running errands, etc) when I want to suport someone. I lose track of that in the everyday. I lose that much sought after perspective. It still does not cease to amaze me that just being in the room, geeking out, with someone is a contributing act. It always felt so shallow, and perhaps even like too little of an action, just being there, and sharing innate love without saying anything. I want to /go/ and /do/ things all of the time, and I forget how valuable just spending time is.

It is almost not worth noting that perspective is impossible inside the eye of a storm, but I'm compelled to anyway. I get so caught up in things. How can I find a way to get out when it gets bad, before things boil over too far? I'm emotionaly aware enough to acknowledge things like "I'm sad today because I'm sleep deprived and lonely", but the macrocosm is a bit harder for me to grasp until I've had to let go of it all. Such conflicting passionate desires both to nest and to run free. How can I ever reconcile these two divergent needs? Maybe I should listen to Randy's advice.

...

Things have been really rough for me in the last few months. Without much exposition, I'll say that the stress of working so hard may have influenced my emotional life in pretty bad ways. I don't know though. Maybe it's just the way things have to be right now, and is unrelated to work. I'm living truly in the moment now, perhaps a bit too much so, but I feel good to be sober and making choices on when to check out and when to feel a lot of things. There was a time in New York, where I think I lost control for a while. Lessons learned. Forward, always forward. What is perspective telling me, anyway?

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I wanted many things this past weekend, but the most important one to me was to go and be with my friend Liz, for our shared (8 days apart) birthdays. We've been through a lot of things together, and she's been my sounding board and support through some shit. She's also a total pain in my ass, but I love her for that most of all, probably. I'm hopeful that this is the start of a ritual for us. January's a hard month, and pals make it a lot better.

Last year's birthday was #2 of all time (#1 was in 1979, as I turned 4 and the entire city of Chicago was shut down due to a massive blizzard: I remember almost nothing except for the fact that the party was at McDonalds, about 10 blocks away, and someone's friend had a pickup truck that could navigate the unplowed streets with a truckbed filled with well-bundled kids), where elly not only took me out in a London Cab to the most amazing restaurant so far, but then invited all of my friends and hers to surprise me back at the house. I didn't see a single part of it coming, and it touched me so much, that all the people came for me. I wanted to thank them all, so many times, but it has always been so big and lump-in-throat-incuding that I've never been able to. So,thanks.

Liz made me a red velvet birthday cake, after I'd gotten the idea in my head that I wanted one based on elena's Ft Greene recommendation. We had lots of brunch, nice dinners at new and faithful Toronto (that's T.O. to you, pal) favorites. Lots of flying for basically two days, but then again, travel is good for my soul, I'm learning.

January 11, 2006 11:24 PM